Why So Blu?

Jersey Shore Massacre (Blu-ray Review)

Where do I begin here?  Something like this is gonna go one of two ways.  There’s a 98% chance something like Jersey Shore Massacre is going to be a complete piece of dung.  In fact, that’s almost the obvious judgement to come from just hearing the title.  Then you have that 2% off-chance that it could be a pleasurable piece of garbage or at least be exploitative enough to not be a complete waste of time going through it.  It’s with this two-sided coin that I decided to roll the dice with this film.  Which, so happens to be the follow up to a film (not yet on Blu-ray…don’t worry…coming soon though!) called Girls Gone Dead.

Film 

Teresa and her Jersey-licious friends are taking off for a wild weekend down at the Jersey Shore.  They’re hoping to get their party on, their tan on and their groove on with those super sexy guido guys.  There’s a roadblock when the stoner landlord has accidentally rented the house they were planning to stay at to another group of girls.  However, one of the girls’ uncle has a house in the woods not far by.  They decide to stay there, but…oh no…there’s a deranged killer on the loose in the woods.

How much effort do I give to review a movie like this?  I’m one who’s all for some schlock, but this really is the pit of all pits.  Troma films look Terrence Malick compared to something of this nature.  There were a couple cool gore effects, but they weren’t much to keep any investment in the film.  It spends too much time and interest in its stupid character stereotypes and unfunny pun-esque obvious, old and tired jokes.  Plus, absolutely nobody in this movie can act.  The film is a cinematic challenge in endurance to get to the end.

It’s 2014, I feel like the whole Jersey Shore phenomenon has well passed on.  This is way way way too late.  And it also seems like these people just heard about Jersey Shore and made a movie off what they think it is.  I’m not Jersey Shore expert, but I did see a few episodes of its first season and even I can tell you this is kind of off.  But, then again, who cares.  Had this movie hacked away at people with a better pace, this may have been mildly amusing, instead we hang out with the people for far too long before they finally start minimizing this terrible cast.  No that you’re curious or anything, but yeah this movie is bad.

Video 

Encoding: MPEG-2

Resolution: 1080p

Aspect Ratio: 1.78:1

Clarity/Detail:  For the encoding it has, this is a pretty vibrant and crisp image.  The picture is basically a DVD upscale.  Its smooth when it comes to detail but does look bright, shiny and clear.

Depth:

Black Levels:  Its very bright, but still has some crushing present.  Some dark scenes appear grainy, but this is video so its probably due to the DVD level encoding.

Color Reproduction:  Colors are bright and bold.  They pop even though the film does not.

Flesh Tones:  Skin tones are very warm and consistent.  Some detail is high in close ups.

Noise/Artifacts: None.

Audio 

Audio Format(s):  English 5.1 Dolby Digital, English 2.0 Dolby Digital

Subtitles:  Spanish

Dynamics:  This is a pretty unimpressive track.  They could have just sufficed with a 2.0.  There are a lot of instances where the audio sounds garbled or peaks in the source.  Most of the times its just fine but those instances to come and go frequently.

Low Frequency Extension:  Not much action.  Very light when the subwoofer is in use.

Surround Sound Presentation:  Not much from the rear speakers was noticeable.  Maybe a tiny bit of ambiance or music at light volumes.

Dialogue Reproduction:  Voices appear to be muffled and peak at many instances.

Extras 

Can I mention that this movie has STATIC menus.  This whole release is basically a DVD copied onto a Blu-ray disc.  I had to pop this thing out to make sure I didn’t get a DVD put in a Blu-ray case (which honestly this amounts to).  Alas, it is indeed a Blu-ray disc.

Fat Camp Massacre – Part 1 (SD, 10:16) – The whole video of the movie that they watch in the film.  Don’t worry, Fat Camp Massacre – Part 2 is coming on the upcoming Girls Gone Dead release.  For what its worth, I would much rather THIS had been the main feature and Jersey Shore Massacre been a short movie within Fat Camp Massacre than the way we go it.

Behind The Scenes (SD, 24:00) – Random onset clips and interviews put together that go on for almost a half hour.

Italian Ice “Melt” (SD, 5:40) – A music video with a character from the movie that brings back some of the cast.

Bigfoot Unmedicated (SD, 5:21) – A series of voicemails the actor left the director after the film was done shooting.

Coming Soon – Girls Gone Dead (SD, 1:55) – A trailer for this masterpiece.  Can’t wait for it!

Kingnyne “Outta My Head” (SD, 4:32) – A real music video from…the soundtrack?

Summary 

Not only is this a terrible movie, but its a complete cheat of a Blu-ray release.  There is no hiding the fact that this is the same exact thing as the DVD edition just printed on a Blu-ray disc.  If you’re interested in this movie at all (I’m sure there’s some kind family members of the cast and crew that want to show their support), don’t bother buying this release.  Just get yourself a copy of the DVD edition and save some cash as its the exact same thing.  Maybe this film caught me on a bad day, but I just could not get into anything being served to me.  And the fact that this really isn’t a Blu-ray is kind of insulting too.